Unpacking Our Shared Human Experience: The Experience and Impact of Irrational Beliefs
We’ve all been there—those moments when our inner critic is particularly loud, and negative self-beliefs seem to overshadow everything else. These are the narratives we carry with us daily. If you know me and how I work, you’re familiar with how I delve into these stories with my clients, figuring out where these beliefs come from.
If you’ve ever found yourself grappling with why you’re so hard on yourself or why certain thoughts feel overwhelmingly true, you’re not alone. As a therapist, I’ve seen how deeply ingrained irrational beliefs shape our experiences. Albert Ellis, a pioneer in cognitive therapy, identified 13 irrational beliefs that many of us hold, often unknowingly. These beliefs are not unique to you, but are a shared human experience. I want to delve into these beliefs, discuss why they are a shared human experience, and offer some tools for healing.
Why Do I Think This Way? (Understanding Irrational Beliefs)
Albert Ellis’s work in Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) highlights how certain irrational beliefs can negatively influence our mental well-being. Among these, he identified 13 key irrational beliefs, which can be condensed into his “Three Major Musts”:
I must do well and win the approval of others, or else I am no good.
Example: Think about the pressure to be perfect at work. Imagine receiving feedback and feeling like it means you’re failing, even though it’s just a chance to grow. This belief can make us overly critical of ourselves and anxious about making mistakes.
Others must do “the right thing,” or else they are no good and deserve to be punished.
Example: Consider a friend who cancels plans. If you think they’re a bad friend for not meeting your expectations, it can lead to feelings of anger and disappointment. This belief can strain relationships when we expect others to meet our standards.
Life must be easy, without discomfort or inconvenience.
Example: Picture facing an unexpected challenge, like a tough conversation. If you believe life should be smooth, this challenge might feel like an unfair burden rather than a normal part of life. This belief can make us resist facing difficulties.
I often call these “woulda, coulda, shoulda” beliefs. They manifest in various aspects of our daily lives, personalized by our individual experiences. Despite their many forms, if you find yourself stuck in a negative belief, it usually boils down to one of these core concepts: the pressure to have done better, the regret of missed opportunities, or frustration over unmet expectations.
Am I The Only One? (Our Shared Human Experience)
It’s easy to feel like you’re the only one struggling with these negative beliefs, but we all go through this in our own way. Each of us has past experiences that shape how we view ourselves and our world. It’s a common part of being human. Each of us applies these irrational beliefs in unique ways, but the underlying sense of “not enough” or “things must be different” is a shared aspect of the human condition. Recognizing this can be comforting and empowering, as it helps us see that we’re not alone in our pain. This recognition is not just a realization; it’s a powerful step towards healing and growth.
This way of thinking is an automatic attempt at self-preservation and avoidance of pain. Our past experiences and early learnings about the world uniquely shape how we apply these thoughts to ourselves. These early experiences shape our self-perception and how we view our place in the world, often leading to a sense of inadequacy or frustration when reality doesn’t align with our expectations.
As Ricky Greenwald, Ph.D., explains, everyone encounters adversity and challenging events at various stages of life. These experiences, while differing in intensity, shape our beliefs about ourselves, others, and our place in the world. From a young age, we interpret these events and develop beliefs based on them. Interpreting and internalizing adverse experiences is a fundamental part of human development.
So What Can I Do About It? (Tools for Healing)
If you’re grappling with these irrational beliefs, here are some practical tools that can make a big difference:
Cognitive Reframing: This is like taking a step back and seeing your thoughts from a different angle. It’s all about recognizing how your past experiences might color your current beliefs and finding a more balanced way to look at them. Instead of letting negative beliefs rule your day, practice viewing them from a different angle. It’s like finding a new perspective that feels more balanced and realistic. Start by observing and questioning your thoughts. Adopting an observing mind allows you to gain distance from your beliefs and assess their validity. Notice when these thoughts arise and actively challenge their accuracy. In The Happiness Trap, Harris offers practical guidance on applying ACT principles to daily life (Harris, 2019).
Parts Work: This approach from Internal Family Systems helps you connect with different parts of yourself, especially those shaped by past experiences. It’s a way to understand why you might feel or react the way you do and work towards healing those parts. It’s like having a conversation with different pieces of yourself to better understand and integrate them.
Radical Acceptance: This is about embracing reality as it is, without adding judgment or resistance (this doesn’t mean you have to accept it as your permanent state—problem-solving and making changes starts with knowing where you are right now). It’s like making peace with things you can’t change, which can reduce the struggle and help you move forward more freely.
Validation: Fred Rogers wisely said, “If it’s mentionable, it’s manageable” (Rogers, 1996). Bringing your fears and irrational beliefs into the open makes them easier to handle. It’s like acknowledging and addressing your feelings so they don’t hold as much power over you.
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing): This technique is great for digging into and transforming deep-seated beliefs and memories. It helps you reprocess old, negative thoughts so they no longer hold as much power over you.
Each tool offers a way to approach and reshape those nagging, negative beliefs. They can help you build a more compassionate and balanced view of yourself.
So Basically…
You. Are. Not. Alone.
Albert Ellis’s ideas about irrational beliefs are more than just theories—they’re a window into our shared struggles. We all have those moments when our past shapes how we feel today. As Ricky Greenwald, Ph.D., explains, we all deal with tough times and challenging events at different points in our lives. These experiences, no matter how big or small, shape how we see ourselves and our place in the world. We all go through this process of figuring things out, and it’s a big part of being human. You are not alone in this journey.
In his books ACT Made Simple and The Happiness Trap, Russ Harris provides some practical tools to help us manage these feelings. He talks about how important it is to view our thoughts from a distance—almost like we’re observing them from the outside. This helps us question and challenge those nagging beliefs that tell us we’re not enough or that life should be different.
He also introduces the idea of radical acceptance. This means accepting things as they are instead of wishing they were different. It’s about facing reality head-on and letting go of the struggle to change things we can’t control. This mindset can really help transform stubborn, negative beliefs.
A few tools can make a big difference in terms of practical steps. Cognitive reframing helps us rethink our beliefs in a more balanced way. Parts work, from Internal Family Systems (IFS), helps us understand and integrate different parts of ourselves. EMDR is a technique that allows us to process deep-seated beliefs and memories, making it easier to see things from a new perspective.
Knowing that we all share this struggle can be surprisingly comforting. We each have our own history that shapes our beliefs, but at the core, we’re all dealing with similar challenges. It’s a big part of what makes us human. It helps us see that we’re not isolated in our negative beliefs or feelings of inadequacy. Everyone deals with these irrational thoughts in their own way, but at the core, we’re all wrestling with similar issues. This shared struggle can be a source of connection and understanding.
Ultimately, the insights of Ellis, Greenwald, and Harris offer us a roadmap to understanding and improving our inner lives. They remind us that we’re all in this together and that there are effective ways to challenge and reframe our beliefs. If you’re dealing with these issues, reaching out to a therapist or exploring these ideas further can be a significant step toward finding a more compassionate and balanced view of yourself.
Feel free to schedule a free consultation with me [here] if you want to dive deeper into these concepts and work on transforming those beliefs.
Interested in starting therapy?
If you’re interested in exploring these ideas further or need some support, don’t hesitate to contact me for a free consultation at at my Contact Page. Or you can learn more about me here and more about Individual Therapy here.
Citations (and other references with similar ideas)
Beck, J. S. (2011). Cognitive Behavior Therapy: Basics and Beyond. Guilford Press.
Schwartz, R. C. (2013). The Internal Family Systems Workbook: An Introduction to the IFS Model. Guilford Press.
Shapiro, F. (2018). Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) Therapy: Basic Principles, Protocols, and Procedures. Guilford Press.
Van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking Penguin.
Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Gotham Books.
REBT Network. (n.d.). Ideas. Retrieved July 30, 2024, from https://www.rebtnetwork.org/library/ideas.html
REBT Network. (n.d.). Musts. Retrieved July 30, 2024, from https://www.rebtnetwork.org/library/musts.html
Harris, R. (2019). ACT Made Simple: An Easy-to-Read Primer on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. New Harbinger Publications.
Harris, R. (2019). The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living: A Guide to ACT. New Harbinger Publications.
Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Manual (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
